RIP, Papa ...

Papa, it's been almost 3 weeks since you've left us. How come it still seems so unreal? The image of you is still lingering around the house, but you are not here anymore. You drifted away so slowly and quietly, without leaving any words to us. I feel this heavy clock in my heart that I am struggling to turn back its time. I am not asking for too much, please just give me back a few more years, a few more months, even a few more weeks - to show my gratitude to you .....

I still remember that last night, it was uneasily quiet and chilly, as if the whole world had left our family alone. While mama had fallen asleep in despair on the temporary cot next to you; we sisters each retreated to our own little corners, had way past exhaustion by then, could only stared at you helplessly in tears and 'spoke' to you in our own special ways. I glanced around the dim, cold hospital room while attempting to cover as much body area as possible under my sweater to keep warm. H was sitting upright like a court lady diligently reading the scriptures and J was leaning on the cabinet humming a hymn softly like a choir girl. This scene reminded me so much of the 'Little Women' and had left an imprint forever in my mind.

I curiously picked up the red-covered book (I just learned from mom) that you had devoted your heart and soul in researching, organizing and writing; and to my shame, I never even knew about! I was so amazed at your spectrum of knowledge and the depth of philosophical thoughts, how blind I was not to see and support you before. And all these years, I was so immersed into my own life and just took your caring for granted. Seeing the large turnout of your friends and students at your funeral who showed so much respect for you, instead of feeling proud to be your daughter, I totally broke down and only felt I did not deserve your love. Please forgive me, papa. I love you and miss you very much. May you rest in peace in God's Arms, and till we meet again .......